Time....what time?

3 to 4 years.

I have checked out other websites, the American Lung Association, Mayo Clinic. They all say things like, 2 to 4 years, 3-4 years, 2 to 5 years...but its all the same; no difference. Initially, it's a shock....when you are in your twenties, you always think you'll live forever. Once you reach your forties and early fifties, you know you're gonna go one day, but it's off into the future. But if you are in your early fifties, you exercise 6 days a week, you don't eat red meat, you never smoked, and both of your parents are healthy and in their seventies, you figure that you at least have about three decades of life left. Not 3 years.

If I had known what was going to happen, I could have let loose a little. Maybe I should have loaded up on french fries and Jack Daniels instead of fruit and veggies. Maybe I should have smoked like a chimney. I just don't get it. The other day I was on Facebook reading about a man who had just turned 111.That's right, this man had just turned 111 years old. He lives in Austin, Texas. They asked him what kept him alive all of these years. You know how he replied? Chasing women, smoking a cigar every day and having a shot of whiskey every morning. What the hell? I did everything I was supposed to do. Went to college, went to grad school, got a good job, bought a house in the suburbs, exercised daily, married a hot Colombian woman. And I wind up with THIS?

Don't get me wrong. I am happy for this 111 year old man. He has survived a lot. He's outlived most if not all of his relatives. Which is good, I guess. But I can't help but be a little envious....I will  not outlive my parents. And you know, that might be a good thing. They have always been here as long as I have been alive. I couldn't bear to see them go. Sounds kinda selfish, doesn't it?

The bottom line is it does not matter what you do. It is what it is. My best shot is to make the most out of what I have right now; and I am gonna try. I'm really gonna try. The way I figure it is this: when you are once deemed terminally ill, you can take one of two roads. You can look at it as a death sentence, or you can look at it as liberating. I want to look at it as liberating. Right now, I don't know how in the hell to do THAT. But I have to try. How can this liberate me? Will it make me feel free to say things I never felt comfortable saying? How in the hell is this supposed to liberate me? It's just something I gotta work out. Just writing this blog is liberating; I mean, sure, nobody is reading this, but it feels good just to get a lot of stuff out of my system, to vent. I will have to liberate myself really soon....I was given 3-4 years when I was diagnosed, and that was 2 years ago. My condition is slowly deteriorating. Every couple of months, the coughing gets a little worse, the dizziness gets a little worse, the shortness of breath gets a little more intense....there is no doubt my clock is ticking. If I can manage to get a lung transplant, it will only buy me a few years, max. So I know what the deal is. The question how will I spend the time I have left?